Just Barely Coping
by ayziks
Summary: Aang's early death was extremely hard on Katara for many reasons. This is a story of her loss of her beloved six months after his death, how badly she wants to die and join him, and an event that confronts her with a choice to go on or not.


**Title: Author:** A6  
**Word Count:** 2781  
**Rating:** T – Kataang post death spirit journey  
**Summary/Notes: **Aang's early death was extremely hard on Katara for many reasons. This is a story of her loss of her beloved six months after his death, how badly she wants to die and join him, and an event that confronts her with a choice to go on or not.

A tip of the hat to Kataang Forever Forum artist friend seluna (Krystalin on Deviant Art) for the brief use of her OC Avatar Chins in this story and of an artist whose work I can't find or remember their name who inspired me for the tea cup scene.

...

It was dawn, and she was already up. In fact she'd been up pacing for hours. She couldn't sleep. Again.

Katara stood holding her morning tea looking out of the Air Temple residence upon Republic City, the rising sun, and Aang's partially completed memorial statue across the bay. She could hardly bear to look at it. It was beginning to take on his familiar shape, and when silhouetted against the rising sun, it was like he was standing there to greet the morning like he always did during his workouts.

She felt completely alone standing on the veranda, even though she knew there were White Lotus sentries about, and the Air Acolytes sleeping their dorms.

But they didn't know this kind of loneliness. No one did, but her.

The house was empty except for Katara. Tenzin and Pema, still effectively newlyweds since they were married just a few months before Aang passed, were away on business in the Fire Nation Capital. Pema had never been there, and never liked being separated from Tenzin. Katara knew that feeling, and it ached in her heart, knowing the distance between her and Aang was now insurmountable – not just a simple flight away on a sky bison.

Katara began to shake as she thought, _"Come on Katara, get hold of yourself. It's been six months..."_

But the shaking grew, and her cup rattled, spilled, and crashed to the tile floor into a million pieces. She buried her head in her hands, sobbed, and dropped to her knees, and lamented, "Oh, Aang! I miss you so much."

It took her a long time to cry out this time. It was six months to the day that she had lost him. No one was there to console her, though young Pema was such a joy to have often comforted her whenever she broke down. Katara always hid her breakdowns from Tenzin. He had enough worries. But he knew. Pema told him.

Katara didn't want to be comforted this time. She needed the cry. It only helped a little though. Nothing could replace the emptiness she felt without Aang. She loved her children. She loved her grandchildren. But nothing could replace her Aang - her true soul mate.

She set about cleaning up the mess she caused. It was not the first time she'd lost a tea cup that way. Worse, it was one of the set of cups from their wedding that she selected special for this day. One more memory of them together was broken. Broken just like she was.

She vowed never to use another formal cup. There were only two left. She couldn't bear to lose those symbols of her lifetime pairing with Aang.

She dressed for the day in her Air Nation garb, what she always wore when addressing the Air Acolytes, and got ready for the next lecture on the "History of the Avatar" series she always taught. Fortunately, she was only progressed to teaching about Avatar Chins, the burly man who preceded Aang as the Air Nomad Avatar before him some 1200 years go. She had no idea how she was going to hold it together when she had to present.

She had heard the rumors that the Air Acolytes no longer looked forward to her previously cheery and animated Avatar history lessons, all derived from her interviews with Aang on each and every one of his previous lives that he so enthusiastically did for her universally popular book. She knew that she was just going through the motions with the class. Any reminder of the Avatar, no matter which one, set her in a melancholy mood. Aang was all of them, and they were all part of him.

She steeled herself to do a good job this time. It was not fair to the students that she was still so burdened with grief that it diminished their experience to learn about all the Avatars. She managed to do a good job. At the end of the lecture, she saw pleased looks, though she wasn't sure the looks were more about the information provided, or relief by the Air Acolytes that the honored 'widow of the Avatar' might finally be finally coping with his loss.

Her chronic depression worried the Air Acolytes as much as it did the family. No one could take that forever without something terrible happening. The fact was that Katara would accept anything terrible happening, if it would bring her closer to Aang one day sooner.

Each day was a chore now. In contrast, each day of their 54 years together, either dating or married with him - nearly always by his side - was a day of joy for her. Even the days when they had their rare fights, there was always the 'make up' lovemaking throughout most of their lives, and the gentle kisses and cuddling in their old age. She hadn't even really coped well with the 'empty nest' of all their grown up children. They were all busy people with families – except for Tenzin and Pema – and couldn't travel to visit her very often. Even by steamship, airship, or sky bison, their children's journeys would be long.

Even though they knew their days united would be numbered because of his century in continuous Avatar State stasis in the iceberg, both thought that they would have more time together. Because of his tremendous record of accomplishment, both dared to think, perhaps too proudly and only in private, that the spirits would bless him with the kind of longevity that Avatar Kyoshi possessed, to keep accomplishing great things. She prayed every day that their private pride in Aang's work had not caused his early demise.

His deterioration happened far too soon and far too fast, which broke everyone's hearts, knowing what a vibrantly fun man and father he had always been. She couldn't bear to think of the day they said 'goodbye'.

They both also thought that they'd both go together, and for days afterward she prayed for the spirits to take her too. But they wouldn't listen. Frankly, she never felt better. It was that blasted healer's blood in her that Aang never could get the hang of. It was clearly something one was born with as a Water Tribe tribesman, not something that could be learned.

She felt a chill and looked to the west. Dark clouds were forming in the west, and would be surging toward the city by evening. She could tell it would be a really bad one. She sensed the enormous amount of water on its way to deluge the Island. Perhaps it would be severe enough to finally take her away to be with Aang.

She rushed through dinner that night, half-heartedly listening and engaging in the group conversations with the Air Acolytes, who always tried to draw her in to help her overcome her troubles. She wore her normal Air Nation pants and tunic outfit that always made her feel close to Aang and to the Acolytes, despite her Water Tribe heritage.

But soon after dinner, she felt the first chill and heavy gusts of wind from the fast approaching storm. She changed to her Water Tribe blue tunic and pants outfit. She wanted whatever water spirits lived in the storm to recognize her for her true heritage.

The winds got to be horrendous and the rain was relentlessly heavy. This was a rare hurricane that came up from the tropics on occasion to ravage the city and the Island. Everyone sought shelter and so she was alone outside. She battled the storm to walk to the western cliffs of the island to face the storm head on.

She headed for the weakest part of the cliffs, the area often prone to landslides, hoping that a 'mishap' caused by the giant storm would collapse a piece of the cliff and reunite her swiftly and almost painlessly with her lost love. She prayed that the spirits would choose to use the occasion to take her where she wanted to be.

She leaned into the winds far too close to the edge of the sheer cliffs. Any loved one would have warned her to step back. But Katara was alone, not caring if a gust knocked her off or not. No one really needed her any more. Her place in history and in the hearts and minds of family and friends was secure. Who could fault an accidental cliff collapse taking with it an old woman had somehow lost her way in the confusion of a frightening storm?

They didn't have to know that she had not just lost her way, but completely lost her will to live another day without him.

She raised her arms and looked into the clouds, "Take me, spirits. I am ready!"

She stood on the cliff for at least an hour of being buffeted and drenched to the bone. It was clear the spirits were not listening. She contemplated just jumping, but knew that was the one unforgivable sin of her tribal beliefs that would separate her forever from her love with an eternal chasm more impassable than the one she faced now.

She screamed at the storm in anger and disappointment, "Spirits, why am I still here? Why haven't you taken me?"

At that point she heard a voice. It spoke gently, but could not be heard above the din of the storm. She looked around, and no one was there. This was a spiritual voice.

She screamed back, "What? I can't hear you. Speak louder, spirits!"

The voice continued to speak softly and calmly. A brilliant bolt of lightning flashed around her. It hurt her eyes. Then, it became completely silent, but everything around her remained a brilliant white. The wind stopped instantly, and because she was leaning so hard into gale forces, she toppled over on to her stomach, face down. The light was intolerable and continuous.

Katara thought, _"Did the lightning hit me? Am I finally crossed over?"_

The voice she barely heard over the storm spoke softly again, "That would be 'spirit' not 'spirits', Katara."

"I know that voice!" she startled.

It was hard to get to her feet, but the effect of the brilliant light was subsiding, and she could open her eyes to slits to peer out. Around her was lush greenery, with birds chirping. The winds were dead calm. There was a fuzzy figure in front of her, seated in a meditative position, facing her, dressed in tans, saffrons, and oranges, and smiling. He looked about forty.

Katara screamed, "Aang!"

She rushed him and tackle glomped him over on to his back. They held each other tightly, and she showered him with kisses. She could feel the strength of his hug like old times. She was amazed that they could touch.

Between kisses, Aang ruffled her hair, looked her directly in her eyes, laughed, and chuckled, "I guess you are glad to see me!"

She came up for air, and virtually begged, "Am I...?"

He smiled and said, "No Katara, you aren't. But you were trying to be. I couldn't permit that. Not yet."

"Why not? Don't you know how much I want to be here with you?" she was in tears again.

Neither let go of the other, desperate for each other's touch, so they continued to chat holding each other, caressing the other softly.

"Yes Katara. Please don't cry. Every day I feel your pain at being apart from me. I feel the same. Every day I want to hug that pain away. Today I could. Your need was so extreme, you were so desperate, and toying with your long life yet ahead of you, so they let me talk to you. And touch you. Just this once. Contact between the living and spirits is so limited, not to mention difficult with anyone but the Avatar."

"They?"

"My fellow spirits."

The words 'fellow spirits' haunted her.

"Long life? Aang, I don't _want_ a longer life. My life has been long enough. I want my eternity with you to begin _now,_" She demanded.

"It's not your time yet," said Aang calmly.

"Who is it anyone's right to say 'it's not my time'?" she asked in desperation.

"_We spirits_say it's not your time yet," stated Aang with purpose.

"Oh. I guess that's different. Why?" she puzzled.

"The Avatar after me will need your help in only three and half short years. I can't tell you more right now. You and I will meet again when it is time. You _must_keep your will to live, Katara. It's too important that you serve a second Avatar. I will be with you. Remember what I said about friendships across lifetimes."

"I do remember. I just never expected to have to live that. But I don't know Aang. Haven't I suffered enough, with 54 years devoted to you?" she laughed and teased for the first time.

Aang laughed in return, "Point taken, Katara. But this Avatar will need your help, and your motherly instincts."

"If I say no?"

"Then the new Avatar will grow up with something truly missing from their life that only you can provide," Aang said very seriously.

"Oh. Well. How can I say 'no' to that, then, Aang? You always got your way with mel," Katara reflected, and cradled his chin.

"I was hoping you'd agree, even though it means we'll be apart a number of years yet," said Aang with a very sad catch in his voice.

They hugged and kissed again. She could feel his loneliness.

"Will I remember this time with you? _Please_say yes. I need this time together to sustain me."

"That wasn't the plan, but yes, you can," conceded Aang.

"Can we go for a walk, Aang? I need a little more time. Then I will be OK. Show me what is ahead for both of us," she asked.

"OK," he smiled. There would be no harm in that.

They rose and walked through the spirit garden, arms tightly around each other's waists, kissing often as they strolled. He looked wonderful once again in his forties. They chatted about the kids, and the grandkids, and Tenzin's and Pema's kids to come.

Aang sighed, "You can't remember that part, though. You're not supposed to know the future."

Katara didn't argue, "I am content to be surprised. But if you can leave some kind of vague premonition they'll all be air benders, I would like that though."

They snickered and Aang offered, "We'll see, Katara. We'll see."

When they returned to the spiritual gateway through which she arrived, she knew their special time together was over. They caressed each other and gave each other one last, long deep kiss. It had never felt better.

"I will be OK. I can handle it better now. But I will still miss you a lot."

"I know. I can feel it in you. I'll miss you too. In the scheme of things, Katara, you'll only be gone from me for only a blink in time. But as soon as you get back home, move away from the precipice quickly. You are in great danger where I left you."

He brushed her forehead, and kissed her gently. As he did, the spirit garden faded out and was replaced with the brilliant light again. She began to hear the howling winds and feel the sting of the hurricane force winds and rain. She back-peddled instantly, heeding Aang's words. As she did, the cliffside before her gave way and plummeted hundreds of feet into Yue Bay.

"Thank you Aang..." she whispered gratefully.

She ran as fast as she could through the Island compound, dodging limbs that were down, and parts of buildings that had blown off and littered the grounds. She opened the door to her residence, slammed and bolted it behind her, and stood breathless. She figured she was drenched, and was about to water bend herself dry, but noticed that she was already dry and dressed in an elegant long Air Nation dress. And there on the table before her was a complete set of their wedding teacups.

She turned and looked skyward out of the window and whispered with teary eyes and a wan smile, "I do so love you, Aang..."


End file.
